Mr.A was thought that he was fair in his assessment of himself, not too smart and not too intelligent, just about average.
However he had the vague hope that he had the potential to cross the thin line that separated average from above average and like a man of average smarts, he had around him a thin envelope of the illusion of smartness.
At 10 (then only called A) he discovered his mothers collection of Readers Digest, painstakingly preserved since 1966. He attacked, like a jackal plunging head first into the remains of what was once something lower on the food chain. The only thing he did devour were small bits of that was once important. Quite like the Jackal.
Suddenly he made the transition to being quasi smart. He knew all kinds of vague bits of information. Though which did not reflect in his school grades but did made him a member of the school quiz team.
Grades apart he loved quizzing. He and his friend Shanghai Chan made a pretty decent duo. Though his real name was Shankar Channi, you have to admit Shanghai Chan is a lot more like out of a George Lucas Movie. A was the better quizzer of the two.
In his fantasy world he was as a Superman in Glasses. But though Superman always came out winner the best A and Chan managed was runners up.
The true Superman was Pranav Saikia, the Assamese boy from St.Raphael's High school, subsequently Delhi College of Applied Sciences and later on International Business Management School. From school to college to Business school Pranav won every quiz. The undisputed heavyweight champion of quizzing. Undisputed for 15 years.
A was now a Vice President with a Bank. Made good money but not enough. Pranav had retired and was running an Applied Bio Science Lab.
The Underground Quiz was a year long affair with the finals conducted live with contestants aboard the Underground Trains of the 4 global metros of Bangalore, Dubai, Shanghai and London. No prize money. Only individual glory.
Pranav and A were tied for the first spot. Shanghai Chan, now actually a land baron in Shanghai was 10 points behind.
Sachin Tendulkar, legendary Indian cricketer now turned Quiz Master spoke slowly, “Last question. All three contenders can pull this off. Remember 10 points for the right answer and minus 10 for the wrong. I will give you a set of clues you will have to tell me the connection. And the question for the championship is
Establish a relationship between - Apple computers, CIA, The British Royalty and Jennifer Lopez".
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Orkut Fortune
At Orkut the horoscope conjurers or the flunkies who have a knack for sucking up and putting it succinctly do a very good job of getting me to the site at least once a day for the sole purpose of checking my fortune.
I wonder why its never negative. I guess that's why they call it fortune. In case one day it does end up negative, will they change the title to 'Today's Misfortune'?
I wonder why its never negative. I guess that's why they call it fortune. In case one day it does end up negative, will they change the title to 'Today's Misfortune'?
Friday, June 15, 2007
Chapter 2 - A Day's work
Lou was angry and when he was angry he used to usually call his brother. This time around he knew that his brother was directly responsible for the incident that had made him angry. He knew that he needed to have his wits about him if he was to have any success with his brother. And he knew just the tone of voice to adopt for the occasion. But he knew he needed some leverage all the same.
He called his assistant and gave clear instructions, “Operation Delta is a go”.
Unfortunately his assistant Mr.A had just woken up so couldn’t grasp his instructions clearly. “Operation Delta….Sir could you be more specific”
“How more specific can I be? We did speak about this yesterday! Have you started using that powdery stuff that I specifically asked you to stay away from again?” Lou shouted.
“Sir, I am sorry but I don’t recall the details of Operation Delta. I did get your memo but I am afraid it was not very specific”, Mr. A replied nervously.
“The specifics are up to you. What do I pay you for? I am not into micro management. That’s not my style. If you want your employer to keep on breathing down your neck, monitoring everything that you do, why don’t you work for my brother instead?”, Lou was about to lose it completely.
“Actually sir, I did go him before I came to you but he did not want me. He did not quite like my qualifications. It was a bit of a let down, I did go to business school and pass with honors and besides everyone told me that experience counted more than the degree. But he just looked at my resume and said that he’d let me know. No questions asked, none of that, ‘tell me a bit about you stuff’. I found it quite strange. And frankly speaking, in fact now that you mentioned it, I am hoping that perhaps you can put in a word for me. I am looking at gaining some experience with the other side”, Mr. A babbled. His employer made him nervous and when he was nervous he let out exactly what was on his mind. He knew it was his shortcoming.
“Mr. A, do I come across as a benevolent and kind person to you? Don’t attempt answering that because I know I am not. The only reason why I am not firing you right now is because I can’t replace you at such short notice and I need Operation Delta executed immediately so will you get on with it”, Lou was breathing fire now.
“About Operation Delta sir…” Mr. A stuttered
“What about Operation Delta?” Lou shouted.
“The details sir” Mr. A could barely manage a whisper.
“When I call you take out Jay Metal” Lou spoke in a hushed tone.
“I am sorry sir, I did not quite get that. Could you be a bit louder? The reception here is very bad I’m afraid” Mr. A raised his voice in an attempt to be clear.
“You don’t need to shout A. I can hear you perfectly. Take out Jay Metal, I said” Lou said a bit louder.
“Take out sir? I am sorry, I don’t understand. Can you be more specific sir. Do you mean take him out for lunch?”, Mr. A was confused and could not hide it.
“WHEN I CALL YOU TAKE HIM OUT…MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR…TERMINATE HIM, SLAUGHTER HIM…SLAY HIM, MURDER HIM, TAKE HIS LIFE, KILL HIM…DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW”, Lou was beyond himself.
“Clearly Sir. My mission that is Operation Delta is to wait for your call and upon receiving your affirmation cause Jay Metal’s life to cease” Mr. A paraphrased.
“FINALLY…MOW GET STARTED, you have work to do and I have to call my brother”, Lou realised that he was still shouting and changed his tone mid way.
“Yes sir. On with it. And sir, just one more thing”, Mr. A was brimming with a sense of purpose.
“What is it A?” Lou inquired
“Sir, will you put in a word for me with your brother. I genuinely do want to gain some experience in that department.” Mr. A spoke politely, hoping not to offend his employer.
“A. Do this well and I’ll see what I can do”, Lou couldn’t believe what he had just heard but needed to get on with work and call his brother.
He called his assistant and gave clear instructions, “Operation Delta is a go”.
Unfortunately his assistant Mr.A had just woken up so couldn’t grasp his instructions clearly. “Operation Delta….Sir could you be more specific”
“How more specific can I be? We did speak about this yesterday! Have you started using that powdery stuff that I specifically asked you to stay away from again?” Lou shouted.
“Sir, I am sorry but I don’t recall the details of Operation Delta. I did get your memo but I am afraid it was not very specific”, Mr. A replied nervously.
“The specifics are up to you. What do I pay you for? I am not into micro management. That’s not my style. If you want your employer to keep on breathing down your neck, monitoring everything that you do, why don’t you work for my brother instead?”, Lou was about to lose it completely.
“Actually sir, I did go him before I came to you but he did not want me. He did not quite like my qualifications. It was a bit of a let down, I did go to business school and pass with honors and besides everyone told me that experience counted more than the degree. But he just looked at my resume and said that he’d let me know. No questions asked, none of that, ‘tell me a bit about you stuff’. I found it quite strange. And frankly speaking, in fact now that you mentioned it, I am hoping that perhaps you can put in a word for me. I am looking at gaining some experience with the other side”, Mr. A babbled. His employer made him nervous and when he was nervous he let out exactly what was on his mind. He knew it was his shortcoming.
“Mr. A, do I come across as a benevolent and kind person to you? Don’t attempt answering that because I know I am not. The only reason why I am not firing you right now is because I can’t replace you at such short notice and I need Operation Delta executed immediately so will you get on with it”, Lou was breathing fire now.
“About Operation Delta sir…” Mr. A stuttered
“What about Operation Delta?” Lou shouted.
“The details sir” Mr. A could barely manage a whisper.
“When I call you take out Jay Metal” Lou spoke in a hushed tone.
“I am sorry sir, I did not quite get that. Could you be a bit louder? The reception here is very bad I’m afraid” Mr. A raised his voice in an attempt to be clear.
“You don’t need to shout A. I can hear you perfectly. Take out Jay Metal, I said” Lou said a bit louder.
“Take out sir? I am sorry, I don’t understand. Can you be more specific sir. Do you mean take him out for lunch?”, Mr. A was confused and could not hide it.
“WHEN I CALL YOU TAKE HIM OUT…MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR…TERMINATE HIM, SLAUGHTER HIM…SLAY HIM, MURDER HIM, TAKE HIS LIFE, KILL HIM…DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW”, Lou was beyond himself.
“Clearly Sir. My mission that is Operation Delta is to wait for your call and upon receiving your affirmation cause Jay Metal’s life to cease” Mr. A paraphrased.
“FINALLY…MOW GET STARTED, you have work to do and I have to call my brother”, Lou realised that he was still shouting and changed his tone mid way.
“Yes sir. On with it. And sir, just one more thing”, Mr. A was brimming with a sense of purpose.
“What is it A?” Lou inquired
“Sir, will you put in a word for me with your brother. I genuinely do want to gain some experience in that department.” Mr. A spoke politely, hoping not to offend his employer.
“A. Do this well and I’ll see what I can do”, Lou couldn’t believe what he had just heard but needed to get on with work and call his brother.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
The Bank of Eyngland
Despite the hooker’s best efforts, Andy just could not finish. Sex just wasn't how it used to be. He found it just too tough to climax.
There was loud pounding on the door.
"Andy, you're already 20 minutes late. These guys have already performed 2 more songs that they were supposed to. The crowd has come to listen to you and not to these sods. Just leave what ever you are up to and come out", it was Robbie his manager.
"You don't remind me remind me that I am late. This babe was terrible, your grandmother can probably give better head than this babe". Andy emerged from his room zipping up his leather pants.
"Robbie, promise me that you will never book me another tour in a place where drugs are illegal. Did you manage any? I can't perform without being stoned. The last time I did that I was singing in the church choir and that was bloody 35 years ago. Did you manage to score some stuff like you promised", Steve was very agitated.
"Andy, this place is not like back home. They put a guy in jail last week for possessing .5gms of Hashish and that Indian guy is still in jail, his poor wife has been running between the jail and the Indian High Commission for 10 days now. In fact I think that they should start a new race in the Olympics named after her. Now come on, pull yourself together, you can do it", Robbie was very firm. He could sense that Andy was about to throw one of his tantrums.
"I need it Robbie, I can't do it. What's happening to me? I can't ever screw any more"? Andy broke down.
“No Andy, no. Don’t do that, not now. You can do it. If anyone can, you can do it. You’re Andy Eyngland, you’ve got 17 platinum albums, 23 No. 1 hits. You don’t need to get stoned to perform”, Robbie rattled out his pep talk.
“But I do. You know it, I do. I can’t do with out it. My head is spinning, I am choking. It’s all my mothers fault. Anyway I always hated singing. God’s given you a gift Andy, when you sing God signs through you. I won’t be able to sing. They’ll boo me off the stage. I have money, I can probably live off my royalties alone…retire in the country, catch some fish. What will you do? What will you do without a job, Robbie?” Andy was hysterical.
“Andy you’re broke, if anyone needs to perform tonight, you do. I wanted to tell you but I thought I’ll wait till after the concert. You see that guy in the black suit in the corner. He’s with your accountancy firm and he told be just a little while ago.” Robbie said gravely.
“What do you mean I’m broke? They press calls me the Bank of Eyngland. I am richer than the Queen. How can I be broke?” Andy was flabbergasted.
“The court ruled in Marion’s favor. She’s wiped you out. You need to do this Andy”, Robbie said slowly.
“Bloody women. Never marry Robbie, never. They’ll kill everything inside you. Look at me, I’m finished but I am going to come back. Andy the Phoenix. Now on to work. We have a crowd to please.” Andy put on a brave face and walked ahead.
The opening bars of ‘Rising from the ashes’ Andy 1983 hit, could be heard.
“What a song to come back to”, said Robbie as he patted Andy on the shoulder.
“Indeed”, said Andy and ran towards the stage.
“What was that bit about Marion”, asked Jerry who happened to be listening to the conversation.
“Nothing, just a little lie that I fabricated to get him up on stage”, replied Robbie coolly. “The bit that I am bothered about is he’s not able to screw. Poor Andy”, Robbie continued.
The crowd ruptured as soon as Andy came on to the stage.
Andy started singing.
As you walked away
I thought I’d heard you say
That you couldn’t do without me
Just a misplaced illusion
That you created
But now I can clearly see
That you’re rotten
and you’re scheming
Lying
And deceiving
And now I’m truly free
As he uttered the words he fell. It was a part of his act. This is when he springs up and did the ‘Andy walk’, imagine John Wayne walking like Captain Jack Sparrow.
The band continued to play. Andy stayed down.
Something was wrong. Jimmy, the lead guitarist walked up to him. Andy was not moving. “Andy, you alright?” said Jimmy.
“Andy, Andy”….
There was loud pounding on the door.
"Andy, you're already 20 minutes late. These guys have already performed 2 more songs that they were supposed to. The crowd has come to listen to you and not to these sods. Just leave what ever you are up to and come out", it was Robbie his manager.
"You don't remind me remind me that I am late. This babe was terrible, your grandmother can probably give better head than this babe". Andy emerged from his room zipping up his leather pants.
"Robbie, promise me that you will never book me another tour in a place where drugs are illegal. Did you manage any? I can't perform without being stoned. The last time I did that I was singing in the church choir and that was bloody 35 years ago. Did you manage to score some stuff like you promised", Steve was very agitated.
"Andy, this place is not like back home. They put a guy in jail last week for possessing .5gms of Hashish and that Indian guy is still in jail, his poor wife has been running between the jail and the Indian High Commission for 10 days now. In fact I think that they should start a new race in the Olympics named after her. Now come on, pull yourself together, you can do it", Robbie was very firm. He could sense that Andy was about to throw one of his tantrums.
"I need it Robbie, I can't do it. What's happening to me? I can't ever screw any more"? Andy broke down.
“No Andy, no. Don’t do that, not now. You can do it. If anyone can, you can do it. You’re Andy Eyngland, you’ve got 17 platinum albums, 23 No. 1 hits. You don’t need to get stoned to perform”, Robbie rattled out his pep talk.
“But I do. You know it, I do. I can’t do with out it. My head is spinning, I am choking. It’s all my mothers fault. Anyway I always hated singing. God’s given you a gift Andy, when you sing God signs through you. I won’t be able to sing. They’ll boo me off the stage. I have money, I can probably live off my royalties alone…retire in the country, catch some fish. What will you do? What will you do without a job, Robbie?” Andy was hysterical.
“Andy you’re broke, if anyone needs to perform tonight, you do. I wanted to tell you but I thought I’ll wait till after the concert. You see that guy in the black suit in the corner. He’s with your accountancy firm and he told be just a little while ago.” Robbie said gravely.
“What do you mean I’m broke? They press calls me the Bank of Eyngland. I am richer than the Queen. How can I be broke?” Andy was flabbergasted.
“The court ruled in Marion’s favor. She’s wiped you out. You need to do this Andy”, Robbie said slowly.
“Bloody women. Never marry Robbie, never. They’ll kill everything inside you. Look at me, I’m finished but I am going to come back. Andy the Phoenix. Now on to work. We have a crowd to please.” Andy put on a brave face and walked ahead.
The opening bars of ‘Rising from the ashes’ Andy 1983 hit, could be heard.
“What a song to come back to”, said Robbie as he patted Andy on the shoulder.
“Indeed”, said Andy and ran towards the stage.
“What was that bit about Marion”, asked Jerry who happened to be listening to the conversation.
“Nothing, just a little lie that I fabricated to get him up on stage”, replied Robbie coolly. “The bit that I am bothered about is he’s not able to screw. Poor Andy”, Robbie continued.
The crowd ruptured as soon as Andy came on to the stage.
Andy started singing.
As you walked away
I thought I’d heard you say
That you couldn’t do without me
Just a misplaced illusion
That you created
But now I can clearly see
That you’re rotten
and you’re scheming
Lying
And deceiving
And now I’m truly free
As he uttered the words he fell. It was a part of his act. This is when he springs up and did the ‘Andy walk’, imagine John Wayne walking like Captain Jack Sparrow.
The band continued to play. Andy stayed down.
Something was wrong. Jimmy, the lead guitarist walked up to him. Andy was not moving. “Andy, you alright?” said Jimmy.
“Andy, Andy”….
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